What NOT To Crochet

Submitted by Regev on Sun, 09/19/2021 - 18:00 CEST
What Not To Crochet

As crocheters we often find ourselves saying "oh, that's something I can crochet!". When you first start crocheting, you want to make all the things around the house. But even though sometimes the results of trying to make a certain item in crochet form can be quite pleasing, there are some items one simply SHOULD NOT crochet. Because the simple fact that something CAN be made, doesn't always mean it SHOULD be... Join me as we explore some crochet DON'Ts.

Feminine Products
Ok, I can't stress this enough - DON'T DO IT!!! I am a big believer in reuse, lower waste and reduction of mass consumption. But feminine products are one item I will NEVER save on, and I personally think you shouldn't either.
When it comes to these kind of products, there are a lot of regulations and standards set by major authorities, which big mass production companies must obey by. For example, there are absorbency standards set by the FDA, set to prevent things like Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS).
In short, making crochet tampons seems like an economic, environmentally friendly project.  But, the potential health consequences of reusing handmade feminine hygiene products outweigh the environmental or economic advantage. It can be a serious health risk, so unless you want to expose yourself to some dangerous bacteria and other infections - just leave it to the professionals to make...

The only kind of tampons you should crochet are amigurumi ones - Tammy the Tampon Amigurumi by the woolly kraken

Barefoot Sandals
Personally, I don't get it. I mean, either you go barefoot, or you don't, right?! Well, I guess not... Otherwise I just can't explain this weird growing trend.
In my personal opinion, "Barefoot Sandals" are just a fancy name for an ankle bracelet. They serve no other purpose than being pretty, which makes them a jewelry piece more than an accessory. Now, taking that into consideration, why would you knowingly put time and effort into making a jewelry piece who's purpose is to get dirty?
Crochet barefoot sandals are, as all crochet items, made of yarn. Would you willingly put sand, grass, mud and rubble in your yarn? Not to mention salt water... I know I wouldn't. Why? Because it will be destroyed. So why would you crochet something with the sole purpose of exposing it to exactly those things?
In short, all crochet barefoot sandals do is give you great pictures for your Instagram and a very weird tan mark on your foot...

That'll give you an interesting tan mark - Goddess Barefoot Sandals by Gleeful Things

Chicken Sweaters
Yes, that is a thing. There is a big WHY factor here though... While perfectly understandable that you would want to keep your chickens warm during the cold times, making sweaters (or hats, for that matter) for them, isn't the way to go!
While the optimal temperature for chickens is between 18°-24°C, they are perfectly comfortable in temperatures down to 4°-7°C degrees, and will do just fine if temperatures drop below freezing - and even below zero! You see, chickens stay warm by fluffing up their outer feathers when it's cold outside to trap as much air in the down as possible. Downy feathers trap tiny pockets of air next to the body, allowing the chicken to warm those pockets of air with its body heat and hold that warm air close to the body, preventing cold air from touching the skin. The more air that stays trapped, the warmer the chicken.
By crocheting chicken sweaters and dressing your chickens in them, you're actually preventing your chickens from using their natural mechanism, and essentially making them colder than what they would be without the sweater.
Oh yeah, and in addition, they just look silly!

Now, that's just ridiculous. Plus, the chicken will be warmer without it - Chicken Sweater.

Tortoise shell cover
Much like barefoot sandals, this is an item which serves no purpose other than a good Instagram picture.
Tortoises are cold blooded reptiles so they must have access to a heat source such as sunlight or a special heat lamp (for example - UV Lamp). Using different heat sources the tortoise can regulate its own body temperature.
So you see, blankets and shell covers are not in anyway useful for your tortoise. In fact, there's a bigger chance of them annoying it to bits rather than contribute to its well being.
So don't fool yourself by saying you're crocheting for THEM, when actually you're doing it to your own amusement and to get a few more "likes" and "hearts" on your social media post. Your pet will probably be happier without it.

If you feel like you must, here is a good place to get some patterns.

You're really doing it for yourself... Tortoise shell cover

Nail Art
Crochet fake nails - they exist! It's not a joke. People actually make them, and more disturbingly - people actually WEAR them!
Fake nails to glue on your own, for fans of crochet and granny squares or for those who like a weird look that's also a good conversation starter.
To be honest, the nails themselves are like little works of art and should be acknowledged for that. However, wearing them is a whole different story. They are not AT ALL practical, since you'll have to avoid doing literally everything in order to not destroy them. And let's think about it for a minute - what sort of outfit do they go with?
No... This is a clear case of "just because you can, doesn't mean you should".

If you feel like you must, you may get them here.

Granny Square Nail Art by Hook Look

Car Outside Covers
No matter how many pictures of such items you saw on social media, or how many times you watched the infamous VW commercial, do NOT be tempted to cover outside parts of your car in crochet.
Things which cover the outside of your car are exposed to the elements and need to be able to withstand a large verity of weather conditions, not to mention the occasional bird poop... Most crochet items made with "normal" yarn - acrylic, wool, cotton etc. - just don't fit the criteria.
There's a reason why different accessories for your car are made out of certain materials. There are people who's job is to test these materials and make sure they are up to measure.
If you really feel like you must have some crochet in your car, stick to the inner parts of it - seat covers, seat belt covers, maybe something to hang on your driver's mirror. Again, keep in mind the conditions inside your car when it is parked and unconditioned might not be ideal, to say the least. Therefore the wear and tear on any item placed inside of it will have a faster than normal factor.

If you insist on driving around looking like a crochet freak, try this crochet spare tire cover.

Not the best idea you ever had - crochet car cover

Oven Mitts
This is one item that you want to be sure is extra durable and safe for handling hot dishes straight out of the oven. You know what isn't extra durable and safe for handling hot dishes straight out of the oven? Yarn!
No matter what you tell yourself and how you turn it over, even 100% cotton yarn isn't going to completely protect your hands from the heat. It might reduce the heat a little, so it will take a bit longer for it to reach your skin, but that's it.
Unless you plan to make double sided oven mitts with heat insulation inside, your creation would just not be the same as the store-bought ones. Once again, this is a product which is design to protect your body, and as such it is submitted to an abundance of tests in order to serve its purpose. Oven mitts are made out of materials that are difficult to ignite, or ones designed to be fire barrier fabrics. Newer factory-made oven mitts are often treated with silicone, which makes them resistant to water and stains as well.
In short, while they make a great holiday or house warming gift, crochet oven mitts made at home are just not up to standard and can even be dangerous.

They make a great gift, but can be quite dangerous - Crochet oven mitts

So you see, although it is very tempting to just crochet ALL the things, sometimes it is worth pausing for a minute and think about it. The results of crocheting something which should not be crocheted can sometimes be dangerous and end very badly. So just promise me, next time you think you have an awesome idea of a new item to crochet, give it a good night's sleep (and perhaps some research) before you start working on it...

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